Tell your kids to f**k off

I love seeing the kids today. They have all of the cool shit. IPods, laptops, BCBG jeans-when will this shit stop? With my kid. I have devised a sure fire way to raise kids so that they don't grow up to be dumb, racist, materialistic a**holes. They learn it so young, so we have to start as soon as possible.

• Age 4-5 Kill Santa Claus*

Think about how much bullsh*t you'll nip in the bud by killing that fat, non-existent motherf**ker. Oh, you made a wish, put out some milk and cookies, and now you want some free stuff? F**k that. Here's what you do: as soon as your kid gets the notion of Santa and Christmas and all of that dogsh*t, you don't discourage them at all. Let them get all excited, get some half dead tree and decorate it with your bills, put out some gingerale and Saltines, tell them the shut the f*ck up and hurry up and go to bed, and then go out for some beers. When your a**hole kid wakes up at five in the morning, have all kinds of huge boxes wrapped up and ready for them to open. Imagine how excited Tucker will be when he gets an application to Wendy's for Christmas. Hurray! Oh wait, open this one-it's the light bill motherf**ker. Oh!-here's one with your name on it-an eviction notice! Alrighty then! Joy to the world, you freeloading a**hole.


• Age 5-7 Feed them like prisoners

The next time you sit down at dinner with your turkey burgers or whatever the hell you eat, feed them nothing. If they get lippy about it, just try to remember that you have bills to pay; stay focused on that, so that you can enjoy your meal. Then, after you're done eating, smoke a hookah, take a nice relaxing shower, read a few pages from VICE magazine, and get a good night's sleep. Do that for two weeks. If your kid hasn't taken the hint and moved out yet, then take them to the cupboard and show them where the basmati rice and the pots and pans are. Show them where the spaghetti, garlic bulbs, and olive oil are. "Oh look Tucker, the cabbage and the cornmeal are right here, they're not hiding at all." Don't ever talk to them about food. Ever. At seven it's time to figure out some sh*t for themselves.


• Age 7-9 Beat the sh*t out of them

"Hey dad, can I have that toy?" Slap him in the face. "I don't want to go to the museum." Five across the eyes. "No! No nononononono! Nooooo!!!" Dragon kick to the stomach. "I don't want to go to bed!" Knuckle sandwich. "Can I watch Harry Potter?" Belt and the buckle. "Mom, can Wii play?" Kotegashi. You got it? Good.


• Age 9-11 Throw a brick through the T.V. screen**

Literally. You better f**king do it, for the effect. Then hand them your dusty copy of Atlas Shrugged. This book alone will cover every aspect of being a rational human being. If you ever catch them reading some fifth grade sh*t, burn it right in front of them amd make them eat the ashes. They can recapture their youth after they move out.


• Age 12-13 F*ck the mall, take that a**hole to Wal Mart

Oh, you're in high school now, and you want all the cool sh*t that the cool kids have? F**k you freeloader, we're going to Big Lots. But for proper effect, you should drive your kid past the mall, urging them to wave at their friends who are inside putting their parents in debt. So when you're in Wal Mart, grab them one pair of jeans ($16.77 for a pair of Dickies), a pack of white tees (if you pay more than 8 bucks for these you deserve to have kids) and some condoms (you don't want grandkids). Then go to Payless and get some knock off Chuck Taylors. Now for the real treat: give your kid 14 dollars and drop him off at the thrift store. Instruct him to purchase a jacket, and whatever tee shirts he wants to be wearing when he is a high school senior. Remind him that he needs to have enough money left over for the bus ride home.


• 14 and up Cover and allow all liquid to be absorbed

At this point your kid thinks he knows it all. So he'll figure out how to shoplift for cd's, how to hack the passwords at Kinko's to use the internet, how to use Adobe Illustrator to make report cards and I.D.'s, what bars have the best happy hour, etc. After 18 years, promptly remove from home and serve with directions to the local realty place so they can f**king move out.


*Variation: When your kid wakes up at five in the morning, instead of presents, it's just you, sitting there, drinking your coffee. After the initial shock of there being no presents, you should say to your kids: "Santa told me what you did. He told me everything. Now I want you to tell me!"

**Variation: If you take your kid out to a restaurant, and they show their ass, take whatever bullsh*t toy they wouldn't leave in the car from them and instruct your server to take it outside, destroy it, and bring back the broken pieces. Then make your kid eat it. And slap the shit out of him.